When They Hate You

References:

Robbins, M., & Robbins, S. (2024). The Let Them Theory. Hay House.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:01

Thank you for joining us today on Therapy Unlock, where we unlock the mind, one conversation at a time. I am Final Girl M, and this is local living legend Katrina Mondragon.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Yes, Katrina Mondragon, licensed professional counselor, licensed mental health counselor, licensed practice in the states of Oklahoma and Massachusetts. But just because I'm a professional 29, you're a professional, so nothing we should talk about today should be taken as medical either or otherwise advice. This podcast is purely for education and amusement. Sally is the amusement today.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Education, amusement, and because I would like to be famous, as would Sally, who is our guest today. So today we have a request for our episode. And that is one of our viewers asked, What do you do when you are hated? How do you handle being hated?

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Then an oversimplified answer, let them let them let them hate you. That's a lot of energy on their end. A lot. That's a good way to put that.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

It's a lot of energy to hate someone. I don't know if you've ever hated someone before. I can't say that I've ever hated someone because it takes more to hate someone than it does to even just despise. Yeah. You know, it takes a lot to hate someone. So if somebody really hates you, that means they care an awful lot about you. They spend a lot of time thinking about you.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

You might be rent-free in their head.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

Yeah. So when when you have someone who hates you, you first need to think about why are they spending such a disordinate amount of time thinking about you in the first place?

SPEAKER_00 1:48

I think if you choose to do that, that's cool. But also it's okay to be like, oh well.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Yeah, you can say, oh well, but I mean, if you have to deal with the fact that someone hates you, you need to maybe avoid them, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Sometimes. Sometimes it's unavoidable, though. And so if it's unavoidable, that's where I would say develop that indifference we talked about one time before. That being indifferent to other people's hatred, indifferent to their emotions, because a lot of times if somebody is angry with us or wants to hate on us, they want to trigger you. And so they're trying to get a rise out of you in some type of way. And I would say, don't take the bait. They're casting a line, you do not have to take the bait. Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

So I would say I would I need to avoid the places where they may cast the line. If I find myself in a position where okay, somebody might hate me, or I might have the impression or the feeling that somebody hates me.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

So a good example of that is uh not reading the comments. You don't have to take that bait, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:52

So uh if there's a disordinate amount of time that is being spent where that person is thinking about you, or that person is is spending that energy on you, then maybe I need to avoid where they are placing that energy.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Avoidance is an interesting one because avoidance can be useful and then it can be a symptom. Interesting. Can you elaborate on that? Sure, because when you think of like post-traumatic stress, for example, the trifecta is avoidance, the nightmares. Oh, down, Sally. Avoidance, nightmares, and flashbacks or re-experiencing of emotions of some kind, even if it's not a full-on flashback, emotional flashbacks or a thing. But that avoidance is part of a symptom. And then another way where it might be useful is when it's anger. So when something makes us angry and we temporarily avoid the person, place, or thing making us angry, that can be useful avoidance.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

So there's useful avoidance and there is harmful avoidance. How do you determine which one is useful to you and is a let them, and which one is harmful to you, and is maybe something that is aggravating the problem or or causing you more pain in a situation dealing with a hateful person.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

So this is maybe an unpopular opinion, but I would say if it triggers you, don't avoid it. If it's triggering, don't avoid it. Because I think it was Carl Jung that said that which irritates us in others shows us something about ourselves or something to that effect.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

And so if it's a trigger, I would say don't avoid it. But if it's going to dysregulate you, then it's a different story. Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Okay. So we need to find inner peace so that we can stay regulated in the face of our triggers. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

So, like if I'm triggered by making a phone call, that doesn't mean I should avoid making phone calls and just text all day. If I'm afraid to make a phone call, that means I need to make it a game, make it somehow where I do more phone calls to be more comfortable picking up that phone.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Yeah, that makes sense. So if somebody, if dealing with somebody who is hateful is something that is triggering to you and it's going to dysregulate you, then maybe that's something to avoid. But if dealing with somebody who is hateful is triggering to you and you can deal with it in a calm and peaceful manner, then go ahead and deal with that person.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Okay, minus the calm and peaceful. You don't have to say calm and peaceful. Like it's okay to get angry, it's not okay to break dishes.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Yeah. I don't know. I've broken some dishes. I've done a Riyadh before, she's breaking dishes all night. Up in here, I have. I've broken some dishes before. Sometimes the situation has called for it. I'm not gonna lie. You know, there are times, but that said, I think that in dealing with people who hate you more often than not, you take the high road in life and you choose.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

Let them be angry, let them put up that energy, and you go about what you're gonna do no matter what.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Yes, and you choose to to focus on your own priorities and the things that that are important to you and are important to your cause.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

Speaking of priorities, so I think of priorities as like a thing that can be flexible, like boundaries, but priorities you can change what plate you're holding at any particular point in time. You can have a plate of school, a plate of family, a plate of friends, and you can shift priorities should something come up. If I'm driving to work and get a flat tire, I'm gonna shift my priority to safety first. That makes sense, Sally.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Well, I think that's an excellent discussion on how to deal with anybody who might be hateful or somebody who hates you today on Therapy Unlocked, where we unlock one conversation at a time. Sally agrees with us. Thank you for joining us today. We'll see you next time on Therapy Unlock later.